Maybe you read The Onion newspaper. I do – when I can find a paper copy, or if I see an online link – but in this information overload age, I rely on the daily short bursts of news from the Onion Radio News. I get them through iTunes so that I have a new one each day. How else can I stay current with events and sound intelligent over a “You-Pick-Two” lunch with colleagues at Panera?

How can you not want to know the stories behind headlines like these?

All 7 Deadly Sins Committed At Church Bake Sale
The last place you expect it to happen.

80% Of U.S. Now Selling Handmade Jewelry
I suspected this but did not have hard evidence.

Man Accidentally Ends Business Call With ‘I Love You’
Tell me this hasn’t happened to you!

Four Generations Of Americans Demand Sitcom Reparations
They owe me millions. How do I join a class-action lawsuit?

God Diagnosed With Bipolar Disorder
The first step is recognizing that you have a problem.

Boyfriend Vows To Try Harder
A heartwarming and encouraging tale to share with others.

Street-Smart Teen Found Dead In Library
The poor kid just couldn’t deal with the Dewey Decimal System and other book and periodical complexities.

Area Man Wants Something Made Of Titanium
Well, he’s certainly not alone in that desiring.

Area Store Just Feels Like It’s Going Out Of Business Soon
A sign of the times…

Best Years Of Man’s Life Apparently Never Going To Happen
We can identify with this sad tale.

Model-Train Hobby Becomes Model-Train Habit
Everyone knows a victim of this understudied problem.

Guy At Bank Has Weird Hair For Guy Who Works At Bank
I’ve wondered about that guy. Good to know I wasn’t the only one.

Man Dies After Long, Painful Battle With Life
Sadly, a daily occurrence.

‘Expect Delays’ Signs Placed Randomly Throughout Nation
You won’t see Sixty Minutes go near this one. It just continues and the authorities look the other way.

Third-Grade Scientists Successfully Vaporize Water
And people say American kids are falling behind in education.

The feed for the radio program is at http://www.theonion.com/feeds/radionews/

WARNING: Some Onion content may be considered rude, obnoxious or in bad taste to some people.